Making a Marriage Work! A Little About Me- a Mom, Wife and Friend

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I have decided to add something a little new to my blog.  If I have learned anything in the last 10 months about blogging, myself, and my readers is that I am not only bringing you reviews and giveaways.  I am welcoming you into my life, sharing my experiences, and listening to yours through comments and emails.  I’ve been stuck on what to add, then this morning happened.  It hit me like a ton of rocks, DUH Jenn!

I’m a married, full-time working, and mother of 4.  Three of those four children are my stepchildren, I often don’t really talk about them being stepchildren because their moms are not in their life. My oldest daughters mother lives somewhere else, and had decided drugs is WAY more important than her daughter.  Bud and Vayda’s mom died in a car accident.  Two weeks before Shawn and I got married Bud and Vayda were taken from their mother’s home and placed in our care.  The cops arrested their mom, they found a whole bunch of drugs in her home.  So needless to say, it obviously wasn’t a place for children.  Three months later, we found out she had been killed in a car accident.   We will save the rest of this story for another day.

So I am going to add a place for us to share our awesome parenting skills, lol.  If it was only that easy.  I will be sharing my experience balancing a family and working full-time, raising 4 children, being step-mom, marriage, and BEG FOR HELP NOW AND THEN, lol.  Sadly, being mom doesn’t come with an instruction manual, and we can all learn so much from one another.

Being a step-mom can be one of the most challenging roles in the house.  Speaking from experience it’s not likely you’ll receive a whole lot of support, understanding or appreciation from others.  Yes, you probably won’t get a whole lot from your significant other either.  Don’t get me wrong, I have a wonderful husband and I count my blessings daily.  Fact of the matter is, unless you’re wearing the shoes it’s hard to understand.  Besides the fact we are talking about men, who think mom is something that is natural.   Now I think my husband tries, but it’s a hard thing to understand.  I’ve also take the role of mom, I have to remind him sometimes that I’m still a step-mom when they get mad.  I must have his support when I discipline, or my relationship with the children is doomed.

Speaking from experience being mom does not come natural.  It didn’t for me, until after I had my daughter Maddie.  Once I had her, everything changed and my life became so much more calm, and less stressful.  So being mom did come naturally once I actual became a mom myself.  I have to be honest, my life was not happy, I was miserable, stressed out, and honestly was super unhappy with my life before my daughter came.  It’s hard to be mom when we’re not ready.

Now let me explain, it’s hard being a step-mom, and I am one of the lucky ones.  I don’t worry about another parent stepping in, and getting mad because of my rules.  For me that’s a plus, for the children sake I wish they had their moms, I will never be able to take her place. Don’t get me wrong, I treat them like they are my children, they call me mom, and treat me like mom, but I know it’s shoes I will never be able to fill.  They are always going to want to know more about their mom, and they have ever right to.  I just wish their moms were around to see what they are missing out on.  It’s sad, but both of their moms have made a choice.  Drugs, over their children.  Even Bud and Vayda’s mom.  I tell you car accident, but there was much more to it.  In the end, drugs killed her and if Caties mom doesn’t open her eyes she will be there too.

My husband and I have learned a lot on communicating when it comes to the children.  Making a marriage work is hard work without all the right tools. It’s been a year ago, but we actually separated for about 6 months.  That’s what happens when you don’t work together, support, and appreciate each other.  Neither one of us did, and sadly it took us splitting up to realize how much the other one did.  I honestly go back to the beginning, when I was expected to be mom and didn’t know how.  I think that’s where we really lost each other, and it took us a few years to finally call it quits.

Splitting up was hard, but it was the best thing that ever happened to this family.  Before we split up, the family was very divided.  Our oldest Catie, did not like me.  I guess I don’t blame her, it’s hard to like someone who you think is making your father, the only consistent person in your life unhappy.  I realize she didn’t see the whole picture, or know what was going on behind the closed-door.  All she noticed was her dad was not happy, and I was the cause of that.

It was actually rather sad when we first split up.  Catie was happy we were split up, which broke my heart.  I really tried hard to be mom, and I did not understand why she resented me so much.  Bud, he’s always happy as long as he has his dad.  He’s always been like that.  I know he misses his mom, but he has never really skipped a beat because he’s had his dad.  Vayda was the hard one.  I’ve had her since she was three, to her I was mom and she didn’t understand why her family was being torn apart.  She wanted to stay with me, but didn’t want to hurt her dad.  Wanted to stay with her dad, but didn’t want to hurt me.  Maddie, obviously stayed with me.  She was about 18 months when we first split up.  I did not realize how hard things were on her until about a month before we decided to work things out.

My husband and I split up, and I honestly felt free.  It has been such a long time, I really lost myself.  I didn’t know who I was, and it didn’t take long for me to reunite with my true self.  I was so unhappy, I don’t think I even know I was unhappy until I was happy again.  When my husband and I first split up, I thought it was the end of the world.  I was lost, a mom that was numb.  I knew I could not be numb, I WAS A MOM!  So I did what any mom in this situation would do, and I moved on.  I realized there was not time for mom to feel sorry for herself.  Besides the fact, I had the one thing that matter most to me.  My daughter, we spent a lot of time hanging out, going and doing things, we really developed one hell of a relationship.

It wasn’t long before I didn’t think about my break up, sadly enough I didn’t have to worry about my husband calling asking if he could come by and see Maddie.  Now, I don’t want you to for one second think my husband is a bad father, or a bad person.  He has some stuff he needed to work out just the same as I did, he’s the best father and a wonderful person.  He was in a rut, and I don’t think he realized a lot of what was going on either.  I don’t hold any of it against him, and I don’t want anyone else to either.  Now, I do not want anyone to think he totally blew our daughter off, that was not the case at all.  I  think we had both allowed ourselves to become so unhappy we didn’t know what to do, I was just able to adjust and figure things out faster than he was.

Last Christmas was when our little, okay big happy family finally decided to work things out.  Everyone moved back in, since then I can honestly say life has been great.  Sure there are things that need worked out now and again, but we appreciate one another, and listen when the other needs something.

I guess where I am going with all this is, in order to make a marriage work, both of you have to be on the same page.  You have to appreciate, trust, love, and be the best of friends during the worst of times.  It sounds harder than it is, and it used to be hard.  I’m a believer in love at first sight, as I fell head over heals in love with my husband the first time I meet him.  I also believe that absence makes the heart grow fonder, and if you’re hearts and souls were supposed to be together you’ll end up back where you belong.  If things don’t work out, thy were not supposed to and life goes on there’s a reason.  Even though you might not understand the reason at that very moment in your life, you will later.  Listen to your heart, I think we all know deep down what we’re supposed to do.  Sometimes fear is what holds us back.  Don’t be scared, be honest with your spouse and yourself.   I do not believe in divorce.  However, I do believe that living in an unhappy home is often worse on everyone in the long run.  There is no reason to spend time in a loveless relationship for the kids, what does that teach them?

From my experience, living in a loveless relationship hurts everyone, and causes more pain to everyone in the long run.  I do know from experience, that if you’re supposed to be with that person things will work themselves out.  You have to be happy to make others happy, and best of all you have to be happy to be a good parent. If the last year has taught me anything, it’s if I want to be the best mom possible, I have to be happy, and to be happy I have to love the person I wake up to every morning.  They all work together, if one little piece is missing it can have a domino effect on your life.  That doesn’t mean it’s not something that can be fixed if both parties want it.  Nothing is one sides, or selfish.  You have to be happy before you can make anyone else happy, or even be the best parent you can be! Those bad times happen for a reason, they make us appreciate and recognize the good ones!

I count my blessing everyday, because I know I am a lucky girl to have everything that I have.  I’m lucky that everything worked out the way the way they have.  I count my blessings everyday, that I’ve experienced everything I have, both bad and good.  I feel like it’s helped me learn how to be a better mom, wife, and most importantly a better me.  I realize you cannot make a marriage work, and I am grateful mine did.  I love and appreciate the man I wake up next to every day, something I didn’t do for a long time.  It’s sad that it took all that for me to realize what makes a marriage successful, but I’m glad I was able to experience it and become wiser from all of it.

I don’t do well with the heart touching stuff, lol.  I really don’t like drama, or want people to think I’m reaching for some attention, so I normally don’t share my life.  I like fun and funny, but I thought this would be a good start to everything.  You need to know a little about me.  So welcome to a little about me and my life.  I also have a degree in criminal justice, don’t use it but I have it lol.  But better than a degree I have real life experience, just like you!  I look forward to sharing more about me, mommy tips, marriage tips, and receive knowledgeable tips from you as well.  I’m really excited about adding this chapter to Jenn’s Blah Blah Blog because it’s me, and welcome to my life!

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